April Fears
by Zelnor
Summary: When Sasha and Milla enter Oleanders cabin, they find him twitching. One look at the calendar explains his strange behaviour  it's the first of April in a summer camp full of children that can screw with the Laws of physics. My first fic, and a Crackfic.
1. Prologue

April Fears

A Psychonauts Crack Fic

Psychonauts and all characters © Majesco

Bad jokes, horrible attempts at writing and the normal author angst thinking that I suck © Me. Or © Digitaldreamer. runs and hides

_Author Notes:_

_Whatever the term crack fic means, I'm going to use it to describe what my brain just spat out. Do not expect any continuity, good jokes, or sanity in here. In fact, please leave your sanity by the door. Please leave hands and arms inside the cart during the ride and DO NOT stick them out, because we just installed the new slicing spikes. Oh, and do not think that I'll finish this. Or, the Lord beware, even update regularly. _

_Real Author Notes: This is my first attempt at writing. When I made a Account I only wanted to use it to review properly, but the author of the Fic I reviewed on a regular basis (Lyre-19's fabulous "Loyalties and Where They Lie") suggested to write a crack fic._

_Also, I am nor from an English-speaking country and taught English to myself, so you might have some /facepalm moments in here. Oh, and also all Campers are miraculously 16 or 15 for no reason other then enabling me to widen the field from simple childish tomfoolery too… other stuff hint, hint._

It was a quiet night at Mumbling Stone Psychic Spring camp. Almost too quiet, would you think, taking into account that it was a secret PSYCHIC spring camp, located in some undisclosed place in the USA. All was quiet, a chilly breeze made the branches of the big oak trees rustle slightly, and through the omnipresent announcement system, loud snoring could be heard. The night was entirely dark, but- a small glimmer of light shone brightly behind some trees, cutting through the darkness like a knife through fake cheese. In a room that looked like a science classroom hat thrown up, Agent Razputin Aquato stood in a neatly organized chaos consisting of notes lying everywhere, mixtures, flasks, bottles, vials and tubes scattered across various surfaces and a smell of burning socks. His face was clenched in concentration, sweat drops formed on his wrinkled forehead, and his everlasting keepsake, his beloved red-tinted goggles, had been put over his eyes, the glass being dirtied by droplets and splashed of _something_. A chemistry book in his hands and a laptop with several opened internet pages on his lap, he read through the contents of both in a carefully trained speed, his eyes whirling through letters in a blurred motion. Then a smirk set across his lips as he threw the book in a high arc behind him and put the laptop aside. Grabbing several bottles and chemicals, he began to carefully set up his experiment. A mere five minutes later, fluids were gurgling through tubes, mixing, being heated and cooled, and finally, with a series of fine hisses, a black liquid was poured into a small vial. As it cooled down and hardened to a sticky black mass, Razputin, after carefully putting a stopper on top of the container, threw back his head and brought into a maniacal laughter he had carefully practised. But sadly the effect of it was diminished by the fact that a fly came to the conclusion that the Psychonauts' open throat would be the perfect place for a rest, and the fear-inducing atmosphere was promptly slain by a rather harsh series of cough, courtesy of our hero.

It was a dull, grey morning when Coach Oleander's alarm clock went off. He sluggishly pulled the covers over his head and tried to ignore the noise that drilled into his heads, but after ten minutes he decided that it was no use and stood up, which promptly proved to be a fatal error. Because after he had done what he considerer morning gymnastics (Shutting the alarm clock, which he had placed on the third-to-top shelf), his gaze fell upon something on the wall.

Agents Mila Vodello and Sasha Nein were used to be ripped from their peaceful slumber. As a matter of fact, they were used to it so much, they had trained themselves to get put of bet, dress and go to whoever had caused their psychic alert to go off whilst still sleeping. Although that method had some flaws (which once resulted in flooding the internet and several lifestyle magazines with the article "Boxers or Briefs – Sasha Neins choice finally clear), it saved them some peaceful minutes and a worthy chunk of stamina. When they finally arrived at Morceau Oleanders cabin, Milla and Sasha stretched, yawned, and, whilst carefully avoiding each others gaze, swapped shoes and decided to screw the subconscious alert answering. After two minutes of embarrassed silence, however, their view fell upon Coach O., who looked like he'd just seen a butcher running after a bunch of rabbits with shining cleavers. He sat in a corner, his one hand still gripping his alarm button, the other one's thumb stuck in his mouth as he rocketed back and forth. Quickly, Sasha and Milla scanned the entire area for malevolent psychic signatures, but except for the constant dark aura of Lili Zanotto, the whole camp was clean. "Weird", said Milla, and looked into Sashas sunglass-covered eyes. "What could have rendered him like this? Nothing psychic, so much is sure… Maybe something supernatural?" Sasha casted her a stern look, or what she believed to be one, through his sunglasses. "Even more supernatural then normal for us? Milla, there is no scientific evidence for anything supernatural… Well, more supernatural then us." Mills frowned and looked at him, tilting her head to the side, a pose that always blew into the a special little spark deep in the Sanctuary of Sashas cube. Then, however, he looked at the small, rectangular object that hung over Oleanders shivering form. And he let out a girly, scream and fainted.

Sasha awoke when he met a bucket of water head-first. He flinched, spit out a stream of water, which he subconsciously aimed directly at a nearby bowl. His mind tried feverishly to cope with why he was lying on the floor and why there was water all over him. Then it made click. A quick look around showed him that Milla stood next to him. In her face, an expression of horror that matched the one if Oleanders' hung, barely balanced by years of training. "Milla…" he gasped, fear ringing in all of his words, "is it true? Has… _it_ returned again?"

"Yes, Sasha… It's the First of April again."

And a feeling of nearing Doom settled on them, and that not just because Elka peeked around the corner.


	2. April Fools !

Chapter 1 – insert formula for caffeine here

_Author Notes: Wow, two chapters in two days… if I'm not careful, people might __start to expect… shudders regular updates! cue thunder and lightning But that won't happen ,as I have personal project comin' up, and in my school it runs like this – You have less then a four out of seven, you fail the year. And before anyone asks, I'm gonna mix perfume for me project and sell it, money goes into a health and hygiene project in Africa._

_On to the chapter, and remember to review, or else you won't get mentioned in any Author notes, which will drastically decrease your social status in the counsellors had just discovered, it was the morning of the first of April, and needless to say, they were scared out of their wits. After Morrys and Sasha's revival through a little morning shower, they all hurried over to Sasha's enormous lab, which he had redecorated again a so small time ago that he didn't even get to unwrap most of the furniture. As Sasha frantically clicked through his computer programs, Milla pulled the plastic from two chairs, pulled them close to the huge screen on the wall, and meditated for a short while before asking "Do you remember the Pudding pit of 2003, darling ?" "Yes" was Sashas short answer, "It took weeks to get it out of my clothes. Not to mention my orifices." Meanwhile he had successfully logged into the Mumbling Stone Stalking System, which connected a lot of cameras, microphones, radar screens and a nuclear missile together. Carefully, Milla inched her arm away from the big red button Sasha had installed on his keyboard "to access his music files faster". The big screen flickered to life, and several windows with surveillance video input popped up, amongst them they saw Bobby Zilch showing a weasel down Chops' pants, Dogan talking to squirrels (one of them being the robotic camera they were watching from, and another one wearing a little, perfectly fitting suit) – "I will not ask", Milla remarked on that one – Franke and Kitty looking into teenage magazines, Elton making romantic movements in the direction of the lake, Milka sneaking invisible into the boys shower and Benny re-enacting his favourite scene from "Dumbo" in the forest. Scrolling through the different windows, the three counsellors also saw Nils using clairvoyance on a pair of panties – Which, for some reason, caused the Coach to cross his legs. – , Chloe shooting people with a laser gun and finally Crystal and Clem trying to make the Announcement System play Linkin' Park, or at least cheer to everyone. "Oh my…" said Milla, "it's so… __normal_…"

"Well, maybe they didn't notice it's" – the coach lowered his voice to a whisper – "the first of April…" "I must say, that is highly probable. Children and teenager in a summer camp often forget the time because they are having", and this last word was spoken as if it had been doing him a personal wrong, " 'fun' ".

He adjusted his sunglasses, and turned around to his colleagues. "But that must NOT mean that we let out guard down!", he said in a surprisingly not-dull tone. "Every year these little pipsqueaks have been kicking our bucket on every first of April. I personally am sick and tired of having to extract sticky fluids out of my orifices and burn my clothing in the woods! I don't want to have my pants stolen and sold on eBay and being offered Milla's dresses as a replacement anymore. Or Morrys, for that matter. This year, they will not get us!" he shouted, "We are Psychonauts, damnit! Even the most insane of all maniacs couldn't get us down !", Sasha continued, a comment that made the Coach shift and mutter under his breath something like "I told him, no giant mutated fishes, but NO…" – Noticing that his colleagues stared at him, he smiled – or at least pulled his mouth into another shape – and Sasha resumed his speech. For some reason, Milla noticed, the screen behind Sasha displayed a waving American banner, and he didn't wear any shirt. Sasha suddenly noticed that too, and psiblasted into a seemingly random direction. An invisibility field suddenly collapsed, and behind it a obese, rabid Fangirl materialized. "SAAAASHAMUFFIIIIIN ! MAARRRYYY MEEEE !" she screeched at a volume that nearly made his eardrums give way, and then she charged forwards. "SASHA MILL IS SOOOO OUTDAYTEEEEED ! MY LOVE FOR YOU BURNS WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS ! ME AND MY OC, SANDRA AMETHYST DARKROSETWINKLESTAR ARE SO MUCH SEXIER THEN THAT FAT, OUT OF DATE DRESSED MILLA, YOU SHOULD MARRY US AND WE'LL BEAR YOUR CHILDREN !" she shouted again, having fallen onto all fours and still accelerating, the foam from her mouth dripping onto the floor and the plastic-covered furniture, where it left sizzling holes in the wrapping. Sasha, having pulled another shirt and jacket from one of his Anti-Fangirl vaults. He stored psychic energy in his temple, and, putting his thumb into the typical I'm-about-to-shoot-you-good-with-my-brain-lasers position, he wanted to charge forward, but suddenly he felt a gust of wind fly by him. One quick glance to his side showed that Milla didn't stand next to him anymore, and when he shifted his gaze forward again, he noticed that the fangirls wasn't there anymore. Instead he saw Milla mopping the floor, her face a grimace of disgust, and a sharp chemical stench tortured his nostril. "Eh, what's that smell ?" Oleander asked, whiffing. "Hmm… Lavender?" "No", replied Milla, "sulphuric acid." A small silence ensured. "Okay, where were we… Yes, we are NOT going to be caught this year, NO !" he resumed his hand, clenched into a fist, crashing down onto the keyboard. "Yes, that's nice, dearie…" Milla replied, looking kind of awkward, "but you just nuked France…" "Who cares ?" Sasha and Morry replied.

Milla finished flushing away what she had left from the Fangirl, and it was no sooner than she had put away mop and bucket as Raz came into the Lab, telekinetically balancing a tray on which he had stuffed some mugs filled with a steaming liquid. The stimulating smell of coffee filled the lab, and Milla could swear she saw Sashas nostrils expand. With a face full of innocence, Raz asked "Coffee, anyone?" and, for some reason, made a very suspicious puppy dog face.

Sasha stood next to the tray in a matter of milliseconds.


	3. EVEN MORE RUNNING !

Chapter Three – EVEN MORE RUNNING!

_Author Notes: Oh, __fiddlesticks! Not only was the whole last chapter one huge wall of text, it was also one huge italic wall of text… I forgot to insert the caffeine formula, too. Meh, whatever. _

_Also… is this proper double spacing ? uploading and document managing is much more confusing then I though… O.o_

_WARNING: SealfiveLight just has had chocolate (which he might actually be addicted too… O.o), the world's most well-known author drug. It also didn't help that he was exposed to dangerous levels of stupidity in school on a regular basis. Or that he watched Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series (LittleKuriboh FOR INFINITY!) and Abridges Movie whilst writing this chapter._

_Ishizu Ishtar: I predict that most of the jokes used in YGO abridged will mysteriously appear in this chapter…_

_(I apologize for__ maybe stealing LK's jokes, but they're just too good not to be stolen. XD Hope it doesn't make me look cheap, though.)_

_After Notes: I had so much fun writing this chapter, although to one scene at the end I must say that I think I overdid it, and I also think love thinks. Yes, you got that right – FLUFF __WARNING! A FIRST TIME ATTEMPT AT… ROMANCE! little girl scream There's some Quentin / Phoebe (oh Lord, I hope I at least remembered _some_ of the names and pairings right…)_

Sasha speeded over to the coffee tray faster then the human eye could follow, psychic energy crackled around him, boosting his speed ever further. His nose had detected a familiar smell, his eyes seen a beloved texture and his heart pumped the blood so fast through his veins that he would've heard it gurgling if he wasn't to busy being a total caffeine addict whilst at the same time retaining his training his aggressive cool.

"Give me one of those, please, Razputin" he said.

A keen watcher would have noticed that his sunglasses had slipped a tiny bit from their inherited place on his nose, which was marked by a small line of skin that was even more colourless then the rest of Sasha Nein. Raz smirked, and handed Sasha a mug full of steaming black liquid.

"There you go, Sasha. Better drink it all up, eh ?", he added with a grin that was so innocent it made all alarm bells dingle in Sashas head, but the coffee instinct was stronger, drowning out everything else, which was remarkably like when a vampire or a werewolf had tasted blood.

"Why not, it's totally normal, unaltered, healthy coffee, after all." Sasha remarked, and before Milla or Oleander could even blink he gulped the whole mug down in a single motion. There was a pause for a couple of seconds, and Agent Vodello swapped a suspicious glare with the Coach.

Razputin broke the silence.

"What? Why are you staring at me like that? Anything wrong with the coffee? I hand-made it! HAND-MADE! No pyrokinesis quick brew stuff, no! I cooked it over a STOVE! Come on!" he said, and suddenly changed into a well trained puppy dog expression, looking as if the counsellors had just kicked him. "Please?" Tears starting to form in his eyes, he put the plate onto one of the plastic-covered tables and turned his back, making noises like a defect tire pump. With a reluctant expression the Coach and Agent Vodello both got hold of a mug, and then carefully took a small sip, slurping loudly

"AAAA HA HA HA HAAAAA!" That was Razputin, turning around, breaking into his carefully practised maniacal laughter. He pressed a button on a remote he pulled out of his pocket, and on the huge screens all around the lab, thunder and lightning started to flash whilst the surround sound speakers played a creepy organ tune. Like on command Milla and Oleander both sprayed the hot liquid from their mouth all over each other and onto the expensive furniture, causing the unpacked ones to get holes in their plastic coverings (which grossed Milla Vodello out, since she remembered that only chemicals with the strength of Fangirl Spittle could burn these coverings) whilst the others were instantly stained.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH THAT COFFEE?" all three Agents shouted in unison.

Razputin threw back his head and laughed, laughed like a maniac, stopping abruptly when he looked at the counsellors sitting there furiously but more or less normal.

"Wait… doesn't anyone feel a bit tingly inside?"

He could see the colour leaving their faces, whilst Sashas face was now hard to distinguish when he stood before a bleached wall.

"Razputin Aquato" Coach O. snarled, his voice taking a darker, angrier tone with every syllable, "I swear, if you peed in that coffee, I will make you wish I'd taken over the earth after all and you'd be a brain in a tank."

"Oh no", Razputin replied coolly, "Peeing in coffee? When there's a multimillion-dollar chemistry lab only ten steps away?"

Milla and the Coach turned to Sasha, who simply replies in his usual dull monotone "Well, sometimes I get up late and want to get a little drink, what's wrong with that? So I left the door open, but there's nothing dangerous in there he could've mixed into our coffee without noticing. At least nothing more dangerous then normal."

"Are you sure?" Raz replied, pulling the small vial from the backpack he'd been hiding it in. "Then tell me, what's this?"

"Judging by the colour, it's tar" Milla replied, her brown still furrowed, awaiting a quick explanation.

"Nearly. This… is caffeine. Pure, concentrated caffeine. A thousand cups of coffee in the palm of my hand…" Raz monologued, telekinetically taking a test tube from a nearby desk, and, after he filled it with some water, he carefully opened the bottle and dripped a tiny droplet into the water. It immediately went black, a sharp hissing noise filled the air, and a cloud of black smoke rose from the bottle, which Raz carefully telekinetic'd into the shape of a skull and bones.

"Ah, so that's why that coffee tasted rather dull…" Sasha replied, taking another sip from his mug.

Raz appeared to have been caught completely off-guard.

"..Wait, what? DULL? All of you should be running around, arms and legs flapping, right now! I mean, Sasha, okay, he practically lives on coffee that could knock an elephant out, but you two…"

"Well, darling, as good as you planned this; we spat it out when you started your funky little performance, right?" Milla said, being fully relaxed again, the omnipresent smile appearing again. "So we're cleaner than that patch of floor over there."

"Yeah!", the coach grunted, "the next time yeh better prepare yer jokes, soldier! If this was the real deal and you'd have failed to knock us with whatever the chemistry freaks at HQ had been givin' yeh, yeh'd be shark fodder in no time. You may drop and give me twenty."

Raz looked as if his world had collapsed; he was pouting and looking generally unpleased with his plans outcome.

"Oh fiddlesticks, that wasn't supposed to be like this, my calculations with the computer clearly stated –"

"Well, your calculation DOES have a point, Razputin". That was Sasha's dull monotone, sweeping the smile clean off the faces of his colleagues.

"What do you mean by that, darling ?" Milla asked, her smile having turned a frown once again.

"Like several other substances which have a substantial impact on the central nervous system, large amounts of caffeine can be absorbed by the cellular tissue of the mouth and directly enter the bloodstream." Sasha explained, sounding like he swallowed a book on the topic. "Although Agent Aquato has a pretty strong solution of caffeine there, it will most certainly nor lead to any serious damage. But it might cause a little… restlessness."

"What do you mean by that, man? Don't let us pull every word out of your nose.", said the Coach, waving his hand impatiently "And you better explain quick, 'cos I'm afraid I can't control what I'm doing with this hand."

Milla swallowed, and Raz swore he could see her pupils wide. "I feel a bit tingly now, Razputin…" she said.

The next thing he knew was that a caffeine powered hurricane trampled over him when Milla and the Coach leapt off their seats and made a run for the door, screaming "RUNNING!" loudly in a high-pitched voice, their legs a blur in his eyes.

When the dust hat settled, the whole lab was a mess, or, strictly speaking, even more of a mess then before. Papers, although never really organized, were now lying all across the rooms, the plastic furniture covers had been scattered across the lab and several fine glasswork and art deco had been broken to splinters.

As he looked up, he saw the _glare_. In True Psychic Tales Issue #1337, they had once stated that Chuck Norris could kill with a roundhouse kick, and that Sasha Nein could kill Chuck Norris with a single glare. They were not mistaken.

"Err… LOOK OVER THERE! A TREE!" Razputin shouted, and quickly formed a levitation ball and escaped through the door, cackling madly on the way.

Ranger Cruller was finished. The gigantic amount of leaves the old oak trees had put all over the place in the last night –the psitanium that wall omnipresent in psychic summer camps had a serious impact on all form of life, in the strangest ways imaginable, or not imaginable- was raked neatly into one big pile. Sighing, the old man shifted his weight onto the rake in his hand and watched the pile of leaves glimmer in the sunset. At moments like this, the weird fogs around his thoughts lifted a bit, and he felt rather peace- and thoughtful.

Suddenly there was a flash, a sound like if you pulled the cap from a bottle of shaken soda, and leaves splattered into all directions. When his field of vision had cleared, Ranger Cruller swiped a leaf from his hat, and, his left eye twitching, started to rake the leaves together again whilst two figures, one small and plump, the other tall and lanky, swooped into the distance, yelling "MORE RUNNING !"

A few moments later, Raz zoomed past, bubble-bouncing over the old man and muttering both a hello and an excuse for being too fast. Cruller didn't bother to notice him, totally focuses on the task, so he had a fair shock when suddenly a black gloved hand gently patted him on the shoulder. Looking around, rake over his head in an attack position, he found that none other than Agent Sasha Nein stood behind him, and his expression caused something in him to tingle, somewhere behind the fog. Something was not right…

"Good day, sir. I see that you are pretty busy, but have you, by any chance seen either Razputin or the Coach and Agent Vodello? Any of them supposedly move at a rather high velocity… We had a little, well, accident with a chemical in my lab, and now I need to find them. I think they went into your general direction." He looked at Ranger Cruller, and for a small moment he felt that he had to say something, but then…

"Back in my day, we didn't have any fancy chemicals. We had to keep the forests clean, in all seasons! We used our bodies and what they made us able to do, yes sir! Argh, you rotten kids these days, and your steroids, and your chemical laboratories, and your Disney channels, and your boxer shorts, and your environmental pollution, and your particle accelerators, and your Linkin' Park, and your Otacon, and your Fanfictions, and your loud music, and your iPods and your Scrubs, and…"

It was a beautiful sunset on the shores of the lake.

The water glistened in the last rays of the day's sun, the air was not too warm and a cooling breeze blew through the land. On the soft silken sand of the beach, a blanket had been put, complete with cushions to sit on. A small table was there too, with two candles whose flames illuminated the beginning night with a soft, warm light. A small radio, set discretely aside, played quiet music. The table itself also sported a clean, white tablecloth complete with napkins, plates and glasses.

Quentin Hedgemouse and Phoebe Love both sat on a cushion, a meal, which Quentin had prepared himself, had been served on the plates. The wind blew gently through Phoebes open hair, and the first few glimmers of the stars were reflected in her eyes. Quentin was lost in her image, but tried not to let her notice it, tried to seem caught up in his tiramisu. As he looked up a bit further, reaching for his glass of grape juice – the rules of Mumbling Stone, of course, wouldn't allow alcohol, but it had to be something red to drink, for narratives' sake – the sight of the sinking sun directly behind Phoebe caught him.

The last rays of sunlight cast a soft golden glow across the still waters of the lake and illuminated her from behind like a divine spotlight. The very image of it burned deeply into his memory, but, caught up in a torrent of emotions, his glass slid out of his grasp a bit, causing red grape juice to splatter onto the table, and, oh horror, even a bit on the dress Phoebe had picked.

"Oh no, Phoebe… Are you all right? The dress... Oh lord, what have I done...?"

The torrent of joyous emotions inside him had suddenly become a maelstrom of terror. IT was all out, the whole thing for nothing. How would he ever be able to look at her again? He quickly took his napkin and handed it to her, but when her warm hand touched his he hesitatingly looked up another tad. Their eyes met, and for a split second, the world stood still. In a sort of microscopic form of movement, she started to shut her eyes, and inched colder to himself. His thoughts raced, but an inner voice told him just to let it happen. He closed his eyes and slowed forwards.

There was a smash, a scream and when he opened his eyes, Phoebe was gone, the table and all on it was scattered ten metres around him, and three figures were moving over the water at a ridiculously high speed. Then he caught their auras – one of them was unmistakingly- "PHOEBE!" he screamed into the night. But the only answer was a muffled scream from the girl, which was clutching onto the people running away, and their loud yelling of "EVEN MORE RUNNING!!!"

"… and your Tom Cruise, and your Playstation threes , and your Nintendo Wiimotes, and your Wireless internet, and your mobile phones, and your polyphone ringtones, and your ,and your abridged series, and your copypasta, and your 4chan, and your Microsoft Windows, and your CSI, and your Talk Shows, and your MSN Messenger, and your Internet forums, and your artificial intelligence, and your telekinetic bears, and your emokinesis, and your loud music, and your psitanium pimp gear, and your orange juice, and your Halo 3, and your Godmodding, and your Maple Story… Hey! Why did it fade to black? Am I dead?"

"No, Ranger…" Sasha replied, clinging to the edge of sanity, which made his brain a good resonator for many facts that would've already turned normal people insane, including anything behind the fourth wall, "it's just the end of the chapter."

"Oh, shtbiscuits" the old man replied.


	4. Wanted Psychic or Alive

_Author Notes: First, a huge thanks for Lyre-19 that she takes me chapters for beta-reading. Also a little thank you to the Deutsche Bahn, because they are on the strike this morning. Which means that my weekend got an unexpected day added._

_Also, an excuse. But I said, I wouldn't be able to uphold a chapter a week… Now I know what made Digitaldreamer draw "The 5 Stages of Writing Cursum Perficio" – When you post the first chapter, you chain a piece of your soul to it… And that kind of drains the inspiration. Should I ever write another fic, I'm gonna do it J. K. Rowling Style, meaning I'll have the whole thing done and post it bit after bit._

Chapter Four – Wanted: Psychic or 

Night had come over Mumbling Stone Psychic Spring Camp like deep, murky watersof black velvet; drowning out all light and sound.

However, here and there old searchlights could be seen cutting through the darkness and the occasional curse mumbled softly under the breath occasionally broke the silence.

The search troops were on the lookout.

Agent Razputin Aquato stood behind a flagpole, panting. He'd been on the run ever since he failed to deliver the chemical compound… Activating his invisibility, he ran around the pole – headfirst into a psychic fist.

"Gotcha, you little runt…"

Skittering across the damp ground, he managed to get back on his feet and fired a psiblast into the direction of the voice. To his satisfaction, he heard a yelp of surprise and a thud.

"Hah. That's all you got ?" Raz sneered into the silence.

In that second, a dozen on flashlights were pointed directly at him.

Lili Zanotto walked restless through the campgrounds. Since his spectacular escape, Raz hadn't been seen, except for the one occasion when he pillaged some burgers from Ford's secret shack. (The shack, of course, was later declared public property, and the layers of ancient burgers were promptly devoured. Apparently, whenever Ford finished a burger, he uses a pneumatic tube to get it into the shack. Only Oleander protested, but as Sashas quick analysis – he stuffed a burger down his throat – declared that there hadn't ever been a bunny even in a five mile radius around this burger, he concurred.)

Lili sighed and looked over the lake, and at the crumbled, boring ruins of the McDonalds on the other side. As she looked over the distant remains, she mused.

She mused over a multitude of things, like how the adventurous of the campers used to canoe over there and burn and pillage. She mused about how she hated this camp, no, scratch that, all camps; and she wondered why the hell she even bothered going here every year.

Oh yeah. Boyfriend and such.

As she turned around, she saw something move in the shadows.

"Raz ?" she called out, hoping to see the familiar silhouette of her boyfriend to jump forth.

For a minute or more, she stood there, watching the darkness. Then she turned around.

"AAAAAAAAAAH !"

Raz groaned, and weakly opened his eyes. His head felt like a small, angry gerbil had decided to rip it apart from the inside. He could see spiralling patterns in his field of vision for a second. Then, with an echoing "Clack !", a bright lamp flared to life, shining directly into his face. Raz groaned and shut his eyes again, reducing the painful brightness to a bloody red glow.

A voice drifted to his ears, familiar, and dripping with a sort of icyness that drove a shiver down his spine.

"Agent Aquato. How nice of you to drop by. And we didn't even tidy… But let's rather get to business. Tell me – about the plan."

"A plan ? What plan ?" said Raz, carefully trained innocence dripping off every syllable.

"Spare me the innocence babble. You know what I mean. And be assured that I will use whatever imaginable to get what I want…"

"Hah. Big words, nothing behind. You couldn't lay a finger on me… Sasha Nein."

With another echoing "Click !", more lights went on, and sure enough, Raz sat, restrained by a pair of psitanium handcuffs, on a small lab chair. The German Psychonaut quirked a brow.

"And what makes you so sure about that ?"

"Not only are you one of the most logical, controlled, and sane people I ever met, as well as my well-liked guardian, mentor, teacher, etc. ; but also, Milla would tear you to sub-atomic particles if she found out you did anything bad to a child."

"Not exactly, darling."

From what little had remained of shadow in the lab, Milla stepped next to Sasha. Her dress was tattered and dirty, her hair a jumbles mess (a particularly unlucky squirrel was stuck in it and still struggled to escape) and the expression on her face was so unfamiliar that, had he not have been able to see her aura, Raz would've psiblasted her as an impostor.

"Um… Hi Mill- Agent Vodello. How are you ? E he he he… April Fools ?" Razputin replied, little beads of sweat forming on his forehead as he detected the malevolent signatures from the other psychics auras.

"You can take your April fools and shove them right up your nose!" another voice roared through the lab.

"Hi there, Coach. I guess I better drop and give you twenty ?"

"Make that twenty thousand, you treacherous little maggot. Nein, it's no use. We need his schedule of terror, and since he won't tell us when we ask nicely, we'll-"

"Probe my mind?", Raz interrupted. "Not in a million years. Remember? Armoured like a tank. My thoughts are mine."

The coach let loose a hearty snort.

"Mind-probing ? Aside from the fact that Nein's equipment here should break your shields in 24 hours – but sadly rendering you insane in the process, which is why we won't do it and the paperwork takes _forever- _we are going to use special methods. Nein, do it."

With a cold smirk, Sasha turned to the enormous computer behind him. Razputin shivered, looking around for a way to escape.

"You're all INSANE !" he yelled.

"Actually, we are not. We just hate falling into pits, being kidnapped by the lungfish, removing sticky, eatable substances from our orifices, and getting Ford to stop laughing."

Then, with the faint crackle of electricity, a hologram erupted in midair.

It resembled a transparent, blue obese, zit-blasted teenage girl with long, black hair and too much eyeliner. Raz blinked.

"Oh, noooo, help me, help, uuh, uuh, ahh, aah, stop, no no, ow." he replied monotonous, his face stuck somewhere between amusement and confusion.

Then, however, the hologram began to speak.

"**_My Immortal, a Harry Potter fanfic. Chapter one –_**"

Raz eyes widened in terror, but his face remained a grimace of control. "No matter how bad the fanfics is you make me listen to… No matter hoe much she speaks in bold, italic and underlined text (a common sign of insanity of the highest), I will not tell you the secrets of the schedule."

The three counsellors remained silent. The hologram rambled on. Minutes slowly went by, and horrible grammar, bad spelling, no plot and the overall, extreme severe nausea inducing plot drilled themselves into his head without pity. "You'll never get through with this !"

Nobody answered, only the hologram rambled on, stuffing raw horror into innocent words and hurled them into Raz direction. "DO YOU HEAR ME ? YOU WILL NOT GER THROUGH WITH THIS !" he screamed. Sasha titles his head to the side, made an unspeaking gesture, sighed, and pulled an earplug out of his left ear "What did you say ?"

Raz just groaned and leaned back.


End file.
